I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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