how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
