3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
