she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
