so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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