I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
