My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
