Is it because I queefed?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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