I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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