Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
