So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
