Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
