babies were throwing up all over the place
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
