Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
