Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
