he puts the penis in happiness.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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