here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
