Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
