Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
