so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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