Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
