just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
