i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
