Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
