I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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