Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
