He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
