Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
