so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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