So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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