if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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