Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
