Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
