I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
