I wish I could teleport
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
