I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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