I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
