The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
