i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
