I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
A+ Viking dick
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
