my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
