I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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