The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
