Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
