I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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