There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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