today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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