u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
