My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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