I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
