He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
