I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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