false alarm. still invincible.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
