I accidentally burped into my bong.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Farmville is her only friend.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
