I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
