Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
