Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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