I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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