I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
that's an acceptable place to lick
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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