I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
