I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
