I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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